- Mood: so sleepy, therefore pissed, cranky, and annoyed.
- Music: Dance, Dance - Fallout Boy
Finally I was able to see my evil side, which I knew existed but prefered to keep it
locked in fear of how strong it could be.
I was correct to fear my darker side...
After having seen it I am pretty freaked out.
They say that someone that's very nice harbors just as much amount of evil in them - ying and yang.
Well, I can be quite hateful and bitter... !
It's been about a week now that my best friend was kind enough to once again pull me out of the deepest shit I've ever been in but I am struggling. This time it's much more difficult.
I believe I've eradicated the possibility of becoming that bad bitter person more than ever before [having seen how it would really be like] but I still remain quite apathetic to life and I am struggling to get back in the game. Still, I am not sure what I can do anymore to convince myself that life is worth living.
I guess this pointlessness is in part my fault because ever since I was a young girl I equated life to love and love to life and although I am the first to jump and say that love does not have to necessarily be directed toward the opposite sex, it is this kind of love that I have longed for and it is this kind of love that I've never had [plus, I could in fact be content with friend love but that can't be fulfilling for long as a friend will fall for someone of the opposite gender and relations will inevitably diminish - so you see, one can't escape the cycle of having to look for the ultimate other]. I know that many people, if not all of human kind, need this love to feel happy and fulfilled, but most have other things that are just as vital to them too - when they have these things [that usually tend to be eaier to get] they can go on to hope that they will once have love come into their lives as well having accomplished at least one other internal wish. My mistake is that I've placed 90% [to say the least] of my hapiness on forming a healthy relationship. So as long as I see that I am nowhere near this ideal of mine I can't be truly OK [coz until this point in my life there have been no indications I'm even close to what I'm looking for].
Anyhoo... I'm tired so I might be getting cranky therefore I'll end this...
I can't wait for college to begin. Although being a perfect student does not truly mean much to me [even though I tend to kill myself to be such a student], I still feel better having something to distract me from my pointlessness...
I hope to start volunteer work at some childrens home if possible and to involve myself in a research that may be published so I can have something noteworthy to place on my CV.
PEOPLE WON'T LET ME SLEEP! I WANT TO CRY!!!!
[that may have sounded irrelevant and therefore schizophrenic, but it truly does make sense - in the crazy kind of way 
]
0 Blurt(s).
...
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