So in truth I am all bullshit.
I do not want to curse him.
I want to cry and regress to the age of 8 where my constant question was “why won’t you talk to me anymore?”. I am once again that innocent little child and I feel abandoned by a person who claimed to be my friend and to whom I’d admitted that I’d dread the loss of.
And now I want to ask him what I did wrong and if it’s so bad we have to be strangers over it, and although the past half year I’ve been breaking down my supersized ego, this time I am struggling to keep some for purposes of dignity and respect for myself. I haven’t ever fought to keep someone in my life after all – no, that’s a lie… after fighting real hard to keep very valued people in my life [after moving away] and having faced defeat after defeat I gave up and formed a theory: “one who is determined to leave (or even apathetic to whether he/she will stay or not), cannot be swayed to stay; not long enough anyway) so it’s pointless to fight to achieve merely the inevitable slap in the face”. And now I want to see why I have to lose one of the few people I had in my life and respected (so few they can be counted by the fingers of my one hand).
Having drunk a considerable amount of alcohol I am taking my urge to write to him on you dear diary because I’ll drag my face to the ground if I send an e-mail writing what I am thinking of writing. I don’t like begging or showing emotion. That’s why I’ve been turning my disappointment and sadness over this matter into anger.
I’m just a little child. And although I don’t think I did anything wrong, other than the fact that I refused to be regarded as a fool and be cheated off my money (which is not wrong, but he sure did not like it), I really want to know what is going on in his mind.
Still my adult self says, “maybe it’s for the best”. He did turn out to be quite a superficial person, and fell so much in my eyes that if we did still speak to each other I don’t know if I’d be able to treat him the same – I am hard on the people who are proven to be unworthy of the crown I’ve bestowed upon them.
Meow… yet another person who walks out of my life. Got anything new to offer me? I’m sick of this episode playing over and over. And, just like ‘Requiem for a Dream’, it never gets any easier to watch, regardless of the number of re-runs…
2 Blurt(s).
...
a cheap dick he is indeed.
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