End of the first week of college.
I thought it’d be nice to let everyone [whatever] know how it went.

Um, first class was Sensation and Perception. Thankfully the professor who was teaching this class until now no longer teaches this course – hooray – she truly sucked. The one who took over is better because at least the students know what she wants in the exam.

Second class, Cognitive Psychology, with my favorite professor was of course great but it’s going to be a bitch. It’s the second course in line that in fact is all about neuroscience . At least a noteworthy professor is teaching it.

Third is an elective from the Communication’s major which I might take want to double-major in, which is “Intro to Speech Communications”. It seems easy, the professor seems ok, but my classmates are mostly plainly stupid. I don’t like saying this, but they left me no choice. Other than that there is a presentation and it may be ok to go through this for an elective but I am reconsidering the idea of double-majoring in Communications as I don’t believe it suits me or interests me in any manner.

The class after this is “Psychoanalysis, Humanism, and Behaviorism’ which is boring as the professor’s tone of voice seriously puts me to sleep… This class will be the hardest to put up with it seems. Actually Thursday is going to be the worst day of the week for me. First I have a class that is not in my line of study with idiots in class [with the professor having to repeat half the material two to three times!] and then with less than a ten minute break I have to take another 3 hours of class, this time with a professor that has made it her life goal to make people go to sleep.

Fifth class is finally something easy- Drawing and Design- as an elective. This is the class I just returned from. It will be interesting… I just hope I don’t get fed up with it coz I was never too good with the whole idea of having to draw once a week on a particular day and hour. Inspiration doesn’t come with a program. We shall see.

So from the 5 courses I am slightly negative on the two [ironically not the difficult ones] which is good. The difficult ones are ‘sensation and perception’ and ‘cognitive psychology’ but the good thing is that both professors are clear on what they need in the exams so with a lot of studying I’ll be ok. The Thursday courses are intermediate level in my opinion so far but I don’t perform too well with professors that give me a bad impression or in classes that frustrate me. The Drawing and Design class is cool. I don’t consider it a lesson but a kind of hobby-class and God forbid it may get in the way of my other courses coz you’ll see me cursing art. The professor seems easy going and I think I made a good first-impression. Other than that learning to draw faces and do proper shading has been a goal of mine…

There is a chance I may volunteer at a juvenile prison, or, to start with easier tasks, a children’s home where I’ll be teaching English. There is also a good possibility that if I don’t get lazy I may work on a research within college grounds, and if I get lucky also on a research on violence in schools – which will be amazing!!!

Other than that psychologically I am a little better, I don’t know why and how but I hope it lasts. I just have become a little more peaceful, with less and less negative thoughts intruding in my daily life and having power over me, and I wish to stick with this sense of emptiness and serenity.

Out of all the time's I've claimed to be depressed, let's be serious, I am a future psychologist and know how to read the signs and although I have yet to fill the time requirement for a diagnosis, my symptoms are real this time, or at least one can tick more boxes of symptoms.

Let's see: not going out, refusing to see the daylight and staying in a dark room when having repeatedly admitted that the sun gives her energy and happiness, not bathing [disgusting but it's only coz I don't expose myself to the public but even in this case on my normal state I shower daily and bathe every 2 days], not doing anything except sitting a lil on the computer and then the rest of the day mopping in bed, overeating as a means of self-destruction, has no feelings whatsoever
>>> in just a couple of words: walking corpse.

Sad? No. Just rock bottom. Although I have said this a few times... 
and I do wonder... could I be wrong again? Could I sink lower than this? 
Good question... but then again, it's not like I give a fuck.

I think my best friend is really pissed at me at the moment coz I sent an emotionless message.
Thinking about it might be a sign of caring but I truly can't tell ...
Oh, Emotions! They're here, they're there, they're everywhere, and then POUF! Gone in the wind!
Of course that is what happens with MY emotions. I don't know if it happens to you. And right about NOW, ... I DO NOT CARE!

Ok, so on this lovely note, after watching a hillarious series and realizing I'm practically fake laughing although I am alone with myself... I think I'll just go. Not that anyone gives a damn.
Oh crap, she feels lonely - how pathetic!

Everyone is such a fucking ass.
Fuck you, fuck you, and umm, fuck you!
God damn it. If I could only swear in people’s faces I’d be so much closer to the person I want to be. Still, lately I’m a small step closer to that.

I have quite a few people I wanna go off at.
Instead of swearing at them though I’m kicking them out of my life, just like that.
I have blocked one, two, three, FOUR people on my list the past two days and deleted three of them. I am planning to never speak to another three people, not more than the typical “hi”’, since we’ll be seeing each other on campus.

And all this because I am an idiot who can be manipulated by anyone and everyone.
It’s not their fault. It’s mine. And not only do they manipulate you, they think they are smart for doing so and get sarcastic with you as well!!! I do people favors because I can’t say “no” and because most times I feel like helping out. I do not expect anything back, I do it out of the little goodness I have in my heart. But when they get smart with me and think they are something because they believe they are using me and I haven’t figured it out, then I get furious. At least be grateful for putting me through trouble to do you a favor you NEVER intend to return, and cut the irony. People lack manners.

And that’s all I had to say tonight.
Life is still pointless but after causing myself BAAAD stomachache and driving myself very sick for a whole day and a half, I thought I’d get out of the pointless black hole, since it’s pointless to be depressed...

People suck.
But I can’t change and treat them like crap, although that is exactly what they deserve.
Fuck you!

P.S. Since you're not blocked you know you're not included in all this bitching Mari. Answered your comment on my previous entry. Thanks for reading...

So in truth I am all bullshit.
I do not want to curse him.
I want to cry and regress to the age of 8 where my constant question was “why won’t you talk to me anymore?”. I am once again that innocent little child and I feel abandoned by a person who claimed to be my friend and to whom I’d admitted that I’d dread the loss of.

And now I want to ask him what I did wrong and if it’s so bad we have to be strangers over it, and although the past half year I’ve been breaking down my supersized ego, this time I am struggling to keep some for purposes of dignity and respect for myself. I haven’t ever fought to keep someone in my life after all – no, that’s a lie… after fighting real hard to keep very valued people in my life [after moving away] and having faced defeat after defeat I gave up and formed a theory: “one who is determined to leave (or even apathetic to whether he/she will stay or not), cannot be swayed to stay; not long enough anyway) so it’s pointless to fight to achieve merely the inevitable slap in the face”. And now I want to see why I have to lose one of the few people I had in my life and respected (so few they can be counted by the fingers of my one hand).

Having drunk a considerable amount of alcohol I am taking my urge to write to him on you dear diary because I’ll drag my face to the ground if I send an e-mail writing what I am thinking of writing. I don’t like begging or showing emotion. That’s why I’ve been turning my disappointment and sadness over this matter into anger.

I’m just a little child. And although I don’t think I did anything wrong, other than the fact that I refused to be regarded as a fool and be cheated off my money (which is not wrong, but he sure did not like it), I really want to know what is going on in his mind.

Still my adult self says, “maybe it’s for the best”. He did turn out to be quite a superficial person, and fell so much in my eyes that if we did still speak to each other I don’t know if I’d be able to treat him the same – I am hard on the people who are proven to be unworthy of the crown I’ve bestowed upon them.

Meow… yet another person who walks out of my life. Got anything new to offer me? I’m sick of this episode playing over and over. And, just like ‘Requiem for a Dream’, it never gets any easier to watch, regardless of the number of re-runs…

It’s a little disappointing when you come to a point in your life when everything just appears to be so pointless.

The only way to escape this, is to run away. Run to that dream place I have longed for since a very young age – an island where it’s just me and nature in all it’s grandiosity and beauty, where there’s no one who knows me, or no one at all for that matter, where I can be free of all types of programming, especially all those ‘musts’.

I do not care for the perfect job, house, or car. I do not see the point in what I do in college – kill myself for grades as if it’s actually essential. I cannot see myself in a suit, behind a desk in my private office acting out the role of ‘psychologist’ even though I am a good listener and have the capability [up to a point] to help people out.

Truly, it’s all crap. But all the while I am too weak or just psychologically unprepared at the moment to get up and leave everyone behind, get rid of my safety net of college and ‘normal’ a.k.a. typical [or not so to be honest] life, and devote myself to solitude (not like I’m not lonely now, but I do have two amazing friends who I can only refer to as angels and a family who I’m just plainly used to).

So here, tonight, as my two amazing friends are off on a trip for ten days, and my parents are in another continent, as I don’t have college to make my life difficult [otherwise known as ‘full’] and as I try to convince myself that shit matters, it hits me: everything external is pointless.

Sometimes I feel sorry for people who truly believe that they have goals that actually give their lives meaning, and other times I only wish I could be so naïve coz at least the path of life wouldn’t seem so futile and I wouldn’t be struggling to convince myself not to run away every once in a while when I get these flashes. On the other hand, being consumed by this world’s obsession over money and career hunting [which I know are intertwined, no need to point it out] is one of my greatest fears.
I am tired of my schizophrenia. My mind should be told to settle down every once in a while. Bacardi Breezer has too little alcohol to help me do that.

Now to a more humanly subject… I am still pissed with that guy I went on vacation with and I don’t know what to do to get over it other than burst out and curse him. However I fear I’ll feel guilt over it later plus I’d be giving him too much value doing so. I’m probably going to end up bottling up feelings like I’ve been doing all my life although now it’s so much harder having slightly de-programmed myself from that habit. Crap.

Hey ya'll ! Give me a great big smile !
Life’s too short and pointless to frown – (see, everything can be seen positively)!
Oh and if you hear Pink’s new song “u and ur hand” … that’s me in clubs  Cheers!
Good night!

Enough is enough.
If I continue discussing this issue it’ll be my third official day nagging and I won’t allow myself to do that. Third day. If it gets to day four I might as well go kill myself. It’s getting quite boring to be honest and I am not the typical woman to stoop to this level, thank you.

Simply enough: I went with him and nothing happened. At one point he made it clear that it was solely a friendly invite and so saved me the embarrassment of actually making a move at some point.

Other than the millions of questions going around in my head, the most important being “what the fuck did he want to go to vacation with me for? If it was just friendly, why didn’t he invite Maria who is just as close to him as I am, actually closer?”, and aside the fact that the indirect rejection has left me pissed and bitter, I am getting over this quite nicely I’ve been told, and this is due to the fact that he was a real ass in these four days, not knowing the definition of a ‘gentleman’ if his life depended on it, so the positive thing is the conclusion: “shit! I wanted a relationship with THIS guy???! It’d be like dating a 50 yr old miserable man!” – so you see the reason why I’m getting over it smoothly.

The only thing that truly bothers me is that right when I started feeling a little more confident about myself, he came along to crush the whole thing and now I am struggling not to lose all of what was gained the past few weeks coz it really was not my fault that nothing happened. But although I can say this, it is harder to believe it, especially when I considered this guy to be close to ideal (and though it was proven otherwise, there is a process I need to go through to accept this outcome!).

If I go on to tell you what happened on the “vacation” you’ll pull your hair off! The only thing I feel like saying is that it was as boring as hell and he was a real ass! So much money for NOTHING!

I guess this feeling of loneliness will remain. I no longer blame it on myself that I have not found anyone, but it still doesn’t make it any easier when I want to cuddle in someone’s arms and feel love and protection, support and affection. I just don’t think that will ever happen for me. At least I am improving relations with myself and now I can live with myself, which is a definite relief!

As cocky as it sounds, I have finally realized my worth and no guy I’ve met till now is worth my time and all I am capable of offering. Adding to that, after this experience I am more reluctant to have a relationship, and the guy who will want to get with me will have to pass many ‘tests’ and other than the fact that most are not willing to go through all the trouble (obviously, since there are so many sluts out there now whose demands are …non-existent), they won’t be able to pass the tests -> what I need is difficult to find anyway.
Better alone than with a guy who won’t treat me right.

I’m off now! Take care!

I always felt like shit when I went to clubs because as nice, or sexy, (or whatever), I looked no guy would ever hit on me.

My friend would tell me that it’s not my looks but rather my psychology that mattered and well, I did not really pay attention.

Now that I feel better about myself…

I went clubbing yesterday and FOUR guys hit on me. That’s a lot when compared to nothing, ever, especially when two of them are black and hot! The last one hit on me as I was leaving the club. He chased after me in order to tell me “you dance good. You dance very well! I was watching you. Did you see me? What’s your name?”. I could not believe what was going on! Neither could my friend, especially when the other black guy started suddenly touching me!

See, I thought I needed this to happen so I’d feel better myself, but instead, I had to feel better about myself for this to happen. The only problem is that I didn’t have any motivation or reason to feel good about myself in the past. Thanks to my special friends I suddenly had a change of heart out of nowhere. Then came the invitation for vacation and the four guys at the club, not mentioning all the rest that were checking my friend and me out but had seen us reject so many guys that they did not dare approach.

However, now I am very tired and I ate a lot today so my energy is too low for me to feel hot and awesome like I did yesterday. Only thing I know is that I live a white or black life even though I prefer not to have a white and black mentality. By this I mean that mostly everything in my life has been all or nothing – I usually have a lot of something or nothing at all, meaning that I’m either over-satisfied or completely shitty – and all this is proven by what’s happening the past week…

I am so happy I am scared it will go away so I’m not allowing myself to feel all this euphoria. If I get together with this guy, Andreas, which is quite probable, then I will have nothing else to ask for. I’ll have a guy who is exactly what I need, I’m ok with myself and getting better, things are good with my family again so my peace of mind is not disturbed by fights, I have a perfect best friend, as well as another very good pal, …what else is there to ask for? I’m not used to this. But I am past the point where I wonder if I deserve to have it. Since it’s here and it’s mine then I must deserve it and make the most of it…

The good thing is that now that I am better psychologically it is much less probable that I will sabotage my good luck. I guess that is why everything happened now…

!Hugs!

He's not backing out.
He and I are going together on vacation from the 7th till the 10th of August.
This means I have 5 days to stop freaking out over this.
Today I got the tickets and the hotel room reserved.
Oh God!
For the past few hours I live in denial land so I'll cope.

Other than that, the whole day has been "I'm seeing white spots and I'm dizzy!"
with the reply - "oh, don't worry, you're just on the verge of FAINTING! Breeth!".

Meow.
I am nervous.
And at the same time I am going on a vacation with a guy I really like, feel safe and comfy around so I should be ok, which I partly am -the only thing keeping me together now...

Oh God! I need a hug so I can feel better...

good night to me then, if I can put all this excitement to sleep.